I’ve stayed in many, many hostels in my time travelling 2 different continents. It doesn’t matter what country you’re in or how much you’ve spent on a dorm bed-hostels always attract a specific kind of person. The names may change, as may the faces but you tend to meet the exact same kind of people everywhere you go.
If there’s one thing I loathe in this world (let’s face it, there’s many) it’s people who snore in hostels. I know what you’re thinking, ‘people can’t help snoring!’ but yes, oh yes they can. Surely somebody in their lifetime has told them ‘hey man, did you know that you snore like really loud?!’- a partner, a friend, a parent, anybody?. If you’re aware that you snore like a trooper and you don’t book a private room you’re a bit of a dick. I’ve heard people snoring so loudly it must be off the decibel scale, so loud the room practically shook at every breath. The thing that annoys me the most is that you know the snoring monster is getting a great night sleep whilst I am willing my brain to let me sleep.
So Snorlax you better avoid me the morning after and don’t talk to me in a cheery manner… or I may just murder you.
Miss ‘I like to have sex in dorms’
I mean really? Go to the bathroom, or better yet-book a private room! Nobody believes your overly-enthusiastic moans, you’re not having that great of a time and nobody wants to see you spread eagle either on a bunk bed either. You may think you’re being subtle but trust me everyone knows what’s happening. Oh and don’t try and act coy the next morning; if you have the guts to be an exhibitionist and have sex in front of everyone you better be able to handle me giggling like a school girl or making inappropriate comments. Wait until everyone is out of the room at least or hang a hat on the doorknob or something jeez!
The Eccentric Gentleman
One of my favourite types of dorm frequenters- the middle-aged odd ball. Us Brits love a bit of eccentricity and there is nothing better than listening to the ramblings of a strange stranger. These types of people seem to gravitate towards me, I guess I have one of those faces but I always wind up sitting for hours on end listening to how they discovered they’re allergic to buttons or describe in vivid detail how they retrieved their lucky penny from their cat’s vomit. I met a man who took pride in his self acclaimed job of ‘Samosa delivery man’ every new person in the dorm ‘Oh hello, I know a man who can supply us with samosas, would you like to put your order in?’. Gentleman, never change a thing, you’re truly brilliant and are always the highlight to my stay.
I wake up at 7:30 am- they’re still asleep. I leave the dorm room at 9:00 am- they’re still sleeping. I come back at 1:00 pm- they’re still asleep. I leave at 3:00 pm- they’re still asleep. I come back at 8:00 pm- you guessed it they’re still sleeping. I fall asleep at 1:00 am- you guessed it, they’re STILL sleeping! Sleeping Beauty’s I don’t understand you and I never will.
The Invisible Man
There will always be somebody in your dorm room who you’ve never seen, nor will you see before you leave. You know that somebody is staying in the bed next to you, you can clearly see their stuff thrown everywhere…but who is this mysterious man? Maybe he’s a vampire, a nocturnal animal? No, no, no, he’s an invisible man, he’s always there you just can’t see him.
The Party Animal
You know who I’m talking about, the girls who fall into the dorm at 4 am after messing with the lock on the door for around half an hour. They somehow manage to trip over everything in the room while simultaneously knocking every piece of furniture over and whispering (shouting) to their friends. They will always turn the light on in the dead of night to find where they put their last bottle of wine and sometimes even evolve into Miss ‘I like to have sex in dorms’.These people don’t usually bother me too much, have a good night girls.
The Early Bird
This one’s all about moi! Firstly I’ll apologize to the Party Animal for waking you up at 6:00 am with my incessant plastic bag rattling (revenge is sweet) I’m only trying to get my toiletries, which I somehow ALWAYS forget to set aside the night before. I simply am not sorry for waking you Snorlax, maybe now everyone else can get a wink. I usually bump into the Eccentric Gentleman on the way to the bathroom who’s awake to go bird watching or something peculiar. I simply cannot sleep in anymore, in the words of Princess Anna (Frozen, Duh!) ‘The sky’s awake, so I’m awake!’. It’s the only time I’m alone, the whole hostel is still asleep and I completely cherish my morning ‘me time.’
You’ve been travelling far longer than anybody else, you’re trip is far more enriching than anyone else’s, you correct us when we can’t pronounce the name of a destination, you sew flags onto your backpack so everyone will knows how well travelled you are. Everybody is inferior to you, you (incorrectly) spew history facts of local hot spots and you constantly complain about tourists (News flash! You are one buddy!) You’re actually a decent guy deep, deep, DEEP down so do us all a favour, cut the bullshit, stop blabbing on and leave us alone.
The Gapyah group
There are so many backpackers who are on a gap year between College and University, and let me first say-I am incredibly jealous and I wish I had the opportunity to do the same thing (But I’m not posh and don’t have a trust fund). They act so young they make me feel old (I’m 24 years old) and I have this incessant urge to mother them. ‘Make sure you put on your sun cream, I know you were out all night have you drank enough water, are you sure you should blow all of you money on that?’ believe me you Gap year young-lings it annoys me incredibly more so than it does you.
There are infinitely more stereotypes in hostels; Mr. thinks he’s a lady killer, The Jock, The tech addicts, The hipster bloggers (oops, me again), The mute, Miss ‘Please be friends with me’, The vegan fitness freaks (and another one for me) and many, many, many more.
Which stereotype do you think you fit in to? Let me know in the comments…unless you snore of course, in that case get off my blog!
Much love from wherever I am,